What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 15:06
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Is the saying "nice guys finish last" true? Can good intentions always lead to positive outcomes?
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Have you ever had a bad gut feeling about someone and it was right?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What techniques can be used to sing like Freddie Mercury if one is unable to hit high notes?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do women really cheat more than men?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What is one fantasy you have never told anyone about but really want to do?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She loved him until the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Have you ever been forced into bestiality?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She found it foreign!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We all went to grammer schools
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
But it wasn’t much.
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
My family never makes their pension either.
We were not on the streets..
My life is so biszare .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I have no regrets .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ive learnt so much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What did i know ?
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!